I’ve written enough now for you to know that I’ve felt really good the majority of the time through this so I don’t think I need to do a step by step summary but I did want to tell you of a couple times I felt really sad/scared and some times that I felt blessed.
There were two specific moments that stand out in my mind of the times I did cry. The first one was when I went for the mammogram and the dr came in and said “This looks really bad. we’re sending you for a biopsy” That was my confirmation of what this was and I thought I was going to throw up, pass out or bawl. I cried in the waiting room that day waiting for my biopsy to be booked as I was scared of the unknown. The next time was one day when I watched my husband struggle through this and I thought about him being left here to do life without me. That part has been pretty tough when I allow myself to think about those who would miss me if I died. Thinking about my husband not having his wife, my children not having their mom, my parents watching their baby girl go to heaven before them…the list goes on. I just don’t allow myself to go there because I know God has the best plan in the big picture even if it hurts for a while.
The rest of the time, I’ve really been able to enjoy the process (minus the sickness of chemo, the pain after surgery and the annoyance of radiation burns/dressings.😉) It’s been one of the most relaxing, joyful, exciting times of my life. I’m just excited about life! And I’m so grateful for all the blessings I’ve seen and felt along the way. I was hugely blessed to have help with everyday life, to spend a lot time with my husband, to have seen answered prayers, to see God’s people using their gifts, to have had opportunities I otherwise wouldn’t have had to tell people about how great God is and how he’s helped me through this, to feel Him speak to me in a real and powerful way, to have seen how my journey has helped others, the opportunity teach my children about being selfless and having compassion, to be able to rest and have a lot of time to myself to reflect, pray, write and study Gods word, and to have a lot of time with our families. It’s been a great year and full of good feelings about life, love and God.
I actually made up a song about how I’ve been feeling. It’s very ametuer so don’t laugh but I’m going to put it in here anyways.
It’s all I think about
It’s your love given out
I can’t contain myself
Its my eternal hope
It’s your word that you spoke
Your peace and joy and hope
Oh Lord you’ve given me all I need
you are my everything
My one eternal King
oh Lord I’m grateful for my life
This thorn is my only plight
I’m willing to fight the fight
are your gift that’s got me through
This trial that I never knew
But you’re asking me to continue
I use to serve my king
My gifts and offerings
I’ll always seek to bring
Thats it. I feel blessed!