Originally written feb/2018
The story of my cancer journey started to unfold on oct 24, 2017. That’s the day I discovered the lump. When I first felt it, I thought something wasn’t right, so I told my husband. He reminded me that our daughter had just accidentally kicked me and that it was probably just from that. I wasn’t so sure. During the next 2 weeks that I waited before going in, God confirmed that for me. I wasn’t praying about it or anything at this point, but I just felt the Holy Spirit say to me:
“1. This is cancer.
- I want you to listen to the doctors and not research or stress.”
And then, the closest thing I’ve ever experienced to a miracle happened. I felt a wave of peace and joy wash over me in the face of a life threatening illness. It was a gift from God that I did not deserve, but was very grateful for. I didn’t understand at the time why I was given that gift but I began to see what God was up to over the next few months. I was excited at the thought that I could be used by God through this situation. I didn’t exactly know how that would look but I felt very sure that I was entering into this difficult time so that I could tell people and show people about Jesus love. I had prayed a couple years earlier that God would use me for His glory and that if that meant going through something difficult, then I was willing. I knew that’s what this was about.
I felt incredibly blessed that God would choose me! Many other Christians have prayed that prayer in yet God chose me, an undeserving sinful person to carry his message of hope to hurting people.
(The neat thing that I realized later, is that He has called all Christians to that same calling. He just uses people in different ways. But I felt like I had been especially assigned something great!)
A couple days after my initial feeling that this was cancer and excitement in being used by God, I felt like the Holy Spirit was telling me that I would die at 33 from this disease. I felt like He was saying that people would hear about Jesus at my funeral who otherwise would never hear about His love for them and that this was my way of being a servant for Christ. I was excited again!! So excited to think that my life could be used to bring people to Jesus. Quite a few months later though, I started to question whether that thought was from God or just me. I thought “Either I heard right but God might change His mind and spare my life because of the prayers of so many righteous people or maybe that just wasn’t Him.” My father-in-law said something very interesting to me. He said “have you ever answered the phone and thought that it was somebody who it wasn’t? that’s what it’s like to listen to God. It takes practice and we don’t always get it right.” that was encouraging to me and made me realize that maybe that wasn’t God but even if it wasn’t, that IS what I felt and so it was very real to me to think about my life ending and prepare for that. I started to write out my will and what I wanted to be said at my funeral. it was so crazy because it was a joyous time for me, even though there were moments of sadness thinking about leaving my family behind but God gave me a wonderful picture of him holding my family in his hands and taking care of them and I knew that I didn’t need to be worried for them. Then the whole process began…